The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires

The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires

七金屍

Directors – Roy Ward Baker & Cheh Chang

Writers – Don Houghton, Bram Stoker

1974, UK-Hong Kong

Stars – Peter Cushing, David Chiang, Julie Ege

 

From the moment that Dracula decides to possess the form of the minion that has awoken him from his tomb (Huh?), it’s evident that logic – internal or otherwise – won’t be Hammer’s last Dracula’s strong point. Then Peter Cushing is Van Helsing, teaching vampire history to a Chinese university class. They aren’t impressed (a moment that asks more than one question: he’s been invited to whitesplain? They walk out, but why did they choose and attend the lecture in the first place? Van Helsing doesn’t have any evidence but believes it anyway? How on earth would he know the details? So he battled Dracul a hundred years ago? What kind of university is this?). And it’s true that Van Helsing really isn’t needed on the following vampire-killing mission, although he is convinced to join a Chinese student and his siblings on a mission to rid the student’s village of the curse of golden vampires - one of the seven is already destroyed/dead, which kind of crimps the title from the start. And also these vampires and minions are pretty easy to kill.

John Forbes-Robertson makes for an unimposing Dracula (again: who can apparently body-swap-possess now?) and Robin Stewart is a little embarrassing as Van Helsing’s son when fighting alongside serious martial artists. Speaking of which: none of the kick-ass brothers get anything to say, although as a girl and therefore a love interest, the sister does.

 

Rather, it’s the Shaw Brothers studio Hong Kong Kung-fu half that wins out in this mash-up as the Hammer Horror side is lazy and weak. However, the mass fights are fun if dated, the weapons look plastic (especially those axes… oh, and the ridiculous bat-medallion thingies), and the traditional Chinese hopping vampires don’t seem to be really trying. More successful are the vampires that ride at night, raiding villages for female victims and gratuitous exploitation toplessness, giving off a decidedly ‘Blind Dead’ vibe; and even better are the zombie minions rising from the graves. Otherwise, It’s up to Cushing to reliably deliver the exposition and bad dialogue with a gravitas it doesn’t deserve, and the charm of David Chiang and Julie Ege to carry it all (although she does nothing). It’s all very comic-booky, with the primary colours, occasional vista and Asian setting as bonuses. A curio it may be, but it doesn’t really deliver much more than a “Wha…?!” Doesn’t make a lick of sense: goofy fun but not good.