Sunday, 26 May 2013

Buck vs "Aliens vs Predator": or, shouting at screens



Colin and Greg Straus, 2007, USA

So the trailer looked faintly, vaguely promising and my friend said let’s see it, and I thought hell why not? So the pending incomprehensibility starts early… what the hell is happening, you ask? Who is where…?… hey, turn on a light so I can see… ah, that’s a Predalien. Alidator. Whatever. Another fanboy conversation makes it on the big screen: what if an Alien and a Predator, you know, did it! At this point of development, the fan boy gets his Alien and Predator action figures out and starts to dismember them and alternate heads and limbs, etc, to fully explore the potential of the concept to his friends. And at some point they decide that it should totally like have Predator dreadlocks… but more so.

Whatever. So...

The kid gets it.

There go the disposable winos, hahaha.

A women steps out of a taxi… in full military fatigues. Bet that will come in handy later. ... what's happening?... badly lit, badly edited, etc.....

Halfway through, an alien slaughters a man in front of his wife and daughter, who then have to run for their lives and luckily stumble upon other survivors. The child is put to sleep and one of the other wafer-thin characters asks whether the little girl is okay, and the mother answers, “She’s had a bad day.”

And at this point, having been laughing quietly and squirming at every cliché and inanity, I said out loud at the screen, “What does that even mean?!” Honestly, I could not help myself. It was such a redundant, preposterous character response in the supposed context of alien invasion and seeing your husband/father killed. But it was okay because the rest of the audience had been laughing unashamedly at the ridiculous execution, the tired obviousness and incomprehensible fight scenes. I don’t believe I have ever shouted out loud at the cinema screen before… that’s what the stupidity of this film will do to you.

Another fanboy fantasy sabotages a franchise. Of course, that wasn't the end of such shenanigans and weirder things were still to come.

1 comment:

Philip said...

No doubt the forthcoming 2025 remake, with motion-capture cameo by a superannuated Andy Serkis and Eli Roth as Wise Old Guy With Chainsaw™, will draw out the hidden meanings for a lucky new generation.